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I always knew my mother was unloving and weird. However, it was only in my early 30s that I discovered the term “narcissist” and realized my mother perfectly fitted into the description. Since then, I have been healing. If you wish to skip my personal story and go straight to the healing part, here it is.
This post may be for you if so far you have not felt much effect and relief from what you have achieved through therapy, reading multiple self-help books, going low, or no contact. Deep inside you may still feel broken, angry, vulnerable, and easily triggered. The experience I am sharing here may be especially interesting and useful if you consider yourself highly sensitive and empathic, introverted, and if you have always felt different from others, like a black sheep in your family, but not exclusively.
What you will read below may feel dark, unsettling, and hard to accept. Yet
there is no easy way to break free from the narcissistic prison, and if you want to go to the core of the problem and address the causes, you should prepare time and resources.
As I did my online research on the subject, I hardly found anything. Only one coach/therapist used the spiritual perspective on healing from narcissistic abuse and went quite deep, however, she mostly focused on romantic relationships. Having a narcissistic parent is a whole different story: there is no closer person in life than a parent because you were born into this relationship and stayed in it for decades. There can be no divorce. The level of your involvement in the relationship is also much deeper, and so is the damage endured.
The healing journey took me to the depths of my soul, and I am here to share my insights, revelations, failures, and lessons in the hope that they would be a shortcut on someone’s healing path and offer a deep-water perspective on the relationship with a narcissistic parent, mother in particular. Having this perspective helped me tremendously in understanding the reasons why this relationship took place, what purpose it has had and how I can recover from it, thus reclaiming my power, freedom, and happiness.
The empath-narcissist relationship is almost a cliché, but I am exactly an empath and a highly sensitive person. Right from my conception, I have been confined in a relationship with a distant, cold, self-absorbed, emotionally unavailable person that represented life itself and the whole world — that is my mother.
The more I did self-inquiry and all kinds of therapies, the more I realized the dramatic scope of trauma this relationship has given me, affecting me so deeply and on so many levels that even today, after so much healing, I still cannot exactly say I am fully repaired.
The Beginning
In my mid-twenties, life became very, very hard. It felt like it was falling into pieces, with everything going wrong, ugly and scary. It was exactly the moment when I had to return from abroad and get back to living with my mother because there were no other options available. A huge amount of trauma was already stored in me then, by that time suppressed and ignored. The narcissistic abuse she started on me upon return was too much to bear, and so it put the last nail in the coffin of my 20s. I developed severe depression and got physically very sick (fibromyalgia), and my whole body stopped functioning properly. My nervous, immune, muscular, and endocrine systems all fell down. I lost weight, had unbearable back pain, severe autoimmune reactions to food, migraines, constant infections, and many other symptoms.
I felt ruined to the very foundation, emotionally and physically, and the only thing I wanted to happen then was death.
I could not understand how the closest person in your life, your own mother, can do so much evil, be so toxic, and break you so much in every possible way, and so relentlessly. This hurt beyond words.
Thankfully, after two years of living with her I could leave, this time far away and forever. Even though I knew there was nothing very positive awaiting me in the near future, this escape felt liberating. It was time to get the pieces of my broken self back, something that would turn to take years, and is still a work in progress. For the sake of justice, I have to mention, however, that my life needed serious repair on all levels not only because of the narcissistic mother but because I had a whole bucket of other past circumstances and events that resulted altogether in a severe C-PTSD.
It was very frightening, but after some time I realized that in order to heal I had to do something I wanted the least ever — to go within and face everything so painful, ugly, and scary that was locked in the cellar of my psyche for 2 previous decades. I did not know where to start and there was nobody around to help. I had to do it all on my own. Slowly, over the next years, I learned a lot about trauma, PTSD, psychosomatics, psychology, and many healing modalities, most of which I had tried.
Scratching the Surface
I happened to come across someone who strongly recommended me a psychotherapist, because her work was “brilliant and so powerful”, I was told. So I started and we chose to work on the mother wound. Over a few sessions we were talking about what I felt, and she was giving me assignments, for instance, to express my emotions in the drawing. I remember I painted lots of scared, desperate, and sad faces in black and grey, and she found that work very artistic. We did a few more sessions and then I realized that all this was nothing but blah-blah-blah and I was paying money for what I could perfectly do on my own. I felt ripped off, disappointed, and quit.
Nevertheless, I was still open to the psychotherapeutic perspective, and so I found the book “Mothers who can’t love” by Susan Forward — an American psychotherapist renowned for her work with clients with toxic mothers. Her message is simple: try to communicate, build firm boundaries, distance yourself, learn to say “no”, and when it does not work, go no contact. As a healing tool, she suggests writing letters to your mother, without necessarily sending them. Letting it out, expressing it on paper, and then reading them to a person you trust and can understand you have indeed a therapeutic effect. This was exactly what I did, hoping there would be some relief and some changes. But there were not any.
Feeling Stuck
Years passed, and I kept on dealing with health issues, depressive episodes, existential despair, and the feeling of powerlessness. The heaviest and most painful problem was my professional struggle — consistent failure to find a job, a vocation, or to start my own thing, which would finally allow me to feel needed, useful, focused, centered, and like I was going somewhere in life. After hundreds of attempts to find my place in the professional world, despite multiple qualifications and talents, opportunities showing up every now and then, I clearly felt there was a huge, invisible block outside my conscious awareness.
It pushed me to search for causes and dig deeper and deeper. Meanwhile, many people gradually or suddenly left my life — some disappeared, some deceived and betrayed me, and some never showed the initiative to stay in touch. I did not hold on to anybody and found myself in total seclusion for years, living my life in a “spiritual closet” — going within and having hardly any contact with the outer world, so that when Covid came, pretty much nothing changed in my life.
Diving Deep
After years of trying all kinds of therapists and reading dozens of books on the subjects of healing, the picture was getting clearer. The pieces of a super complicated puzzle called “life” started slowly falling in place. Not that I suddenly found a job and had no more physical or emotional troubles, but
my relentless search for knowing all the causes and keys to heal led me to some very interesting findings. And the world of spirituality has shown me the way.
A lot of healing happens through self-knowledge. Understanding and knowing thyself is a long and painstaking work, requiring a lot of courage and perseverance. Only those who are starving for truth and liberation undertake it and do not give up, even when it seems horrific and with no end.
Indigo Soul
One of the first alternative therapists I consulted was rather intuitive and she mentioned to me I was “indigo”. I hardly paid attention to it then and did not even bother to do some research. But some time later I felt pushed to go online and read about indigo adults. It turned out to be a big milestone on the road of self-knowledge. It came as a huge relief to know that I am not weird and not alone in my rebellious, inquisitive, non-conformist nature. That I am not alone feeling like an alien on Earth either. That I am not meant to fit in the world the way it is today but create a better one. Even though most of the information I found on the subject was repetitive and would sound like “mumbo jumbo” to most ordinary humans, it resonated very much. This revelation had opened me to the vastness of the universe and the eternal and mysterious soul that I am and that we all are, indigos or not.
Gradually it became clear to me that the Earth is only a tiny part of everything that exists, that the soul has a history, and that there is a very intelligent and invisible force behind it all, which is superior and benevolent, and that we as humans know nothing or so little about it.
As revelatory and relieving as it was, this discovery had not changed anything in my human life, still filled with confusion, pain, chaos, and despair. Life on Earth often felt to me like a meaningless burden, and I wanted to drop it so much and “go home”. I had been through so much trauma, fear, and pain that not every human could withstand. And yet I knew giving up was wrong and that the only way out was through. Those choosing to commit suicide have the illusion that their struggle would finally stop and they would break free. But over time I realized my soul chose to come here by its free will and it had an agenda to complete. It certainly did not know how horrendously hard it would be, but now it is too late to go back. Renouncing your commitments, violating the contract you freely signed does not lead you to a good place, nor does it make you truly free.
Myers-Briggs Personality Test and INFJ
Another big piece of the puzzle has been the MBTI. If you don’t know about this test, I strongly recommend you do it online. Chances are you will recognize and learn a lot from it. I turn to be INFJ — the rarest type existing on Earth, representing only 1 to 3% of the Earth’s population (and there is no ego searching for superiority and exclusivity in this statement).
As I read through the description, I recognized myself fully and in quite detail. What I read was not superficial, reductionist, flat, and simplistic, like all other personality tests; quite the opposite. Most likely, it is because it is based on the work of Carl Jung, the famous explorer of the soul, who went far in his research and perspectives.
Feeling Stuck, Again
But let us get back to mother. Time was passing by; life was going its way. I had done big progress in recovering my physical body, met people, did this and that, searched for jobs, but still felt very stagnant. Repetitive situations kept on happening; I still struggled professionally and financially. Finally, I found a job, which soon turned to be very boring, unfulfilling, way below my capacities and expectations, with a boss who was authoritarian, controlling, distrustful, and toxic overall. He triggered a lot of fear, helplessness, and frustration in me almost daily and I felt so out of place. I could only bear it for a year. Then I resigned, to return to my spiritual closet, back to household and my problems.
Kinesiology
It was a step forward when I found a kinesiologist and came to her for a session. The approach was new to me so I looked with curiosity what she was doing and saying. She used both her intuition and muscle testing to get to what my body wanted to address, and quickly we came down to past lives.
By that time it was already no surprise to me that past lives are real and do affect us in our current life. I already knew I have had a long experience of incarnations on Earth and that I do have a lot of heritage from them, both good and bad (if you wish to know more on the subject, I recommend this book and this book). The past life that came up in that session was very traumatic, and my mother played the main character in it. The kinesiologist advised me to go through the session, do her guided meditation for 3 weeks, and then not share it with anybody and forget it, because it would be now in the past and sorted. However, for the sake of demonstration, I will share it below briefly.
It was in Senegal somewhere in the Xth century when I was born to a woman who hated me from the first minute upon giving birth, because I was a boy and because I was black. Maybe she had a relationship with a white man, and so she hoped I would be white… and then she definitely hoped for a girl. On the first day of my life, she had done something very humiliating and cruel to me. Most likely something related to my sexuality, like castration or another physical act injuring my sex. This left a huge imprint of pain, helplessness, and humiliation on my human and male dignity, and so I started my life. I was growing up with a feeling of being unneeded, neglected, and invisible that led to the conclusion that life had no meaning. I was a different child, that same indigo one that I am today, and for this reason, I was harassed and bullied by other children in the community. The feelings of loneliness and meaninglessness were overwhelming. That woman was the same soul that my mother is today. Ironically, this time she has been disappointed with my sex again — because she wanted a boy.
Another session with the same kinesiologist revealed more about my mother, and
it became clear that we have known each other for a long, very long time, and I carry a lot of heritage from her and her ancestors.
While there is no way to prove any of it, all of it resonated a lot. The feelings of emptiness I inherited from her and being very wounded by her, to the core of my soul.
More Stagnation
These sessions have been very insightful and revelatory to me, so I hoped that this time something would finally shift in my physical reality, but nothing actually had. The same old stagnation and puzzlement were still around, and I still had every professional opportunity failing. By that point in time, I lost every hope for fulfillment in my life. One thing was clear; I had to carry on, as there was nothing else to do.
As time went by, I still could not let go of my situation and felt pushed to search for other therapies and psychics, until I find.
I found a new psychic. In her very first reading she saw a dark figure in my life, somebody who was self-absorbed, toxic, and with hardly any chance to change. The whole description corresponded entirely to my mother. So I asked for a few more readings to get the whole picture, and it had finally become clear: we have indeed been together through multiple incarnations and our souls have a contract, still in full force by that time.
I learned that the term “soulmate” is often romanticized and people imagine only positive and nurturing relationships behind it. However, souls also come together to have less pleasant experiences, through which they seek to learn and evolve.
What also gets often overlooked is that even narcissists have good qualities, which must be appreciated. The psychic encouraged me to look at the whole relationship from this new perspective, taking note of everything good in my mother, and how we share similar traits, both good and bad. Indeed, I inherited her will to question everything, not to mindlessly follow the crowd, have a healthy and green lifestyle, to keep the house clean, to save the resources, to be self-sufficient, and more.
It’s Not Over
Having fully realized the deep karmic enmeshment I have in this relationship, I spent multiple evenings doing various rituals and prayers, such as burning candles to break our contract, writing (more) letters to her and then burning them, using crystals at the same time, and doing prayers, asking higher forces to let me free, since I have learned my lessons and thus have completed my part of the contract. My intentions felt firm and even though I whispered, it felt like I was screaming to be heard above.
Soon after I saw a couple of meaningful dreams with her. In one of it, I saw myself talking to my mother, being angry and very assertive, presenting to her all my accusations and saying a very firm and loud “This is enough! STOP!”. And she was there with her stone-like face, avoiding eye contact, and I knew she feels guilty and admits it all. This was very unexpected and encouraging, to see my subconscious joining me in this firm endeavor to stop the abuse and get out of this relationship forever.
However, when the next month I did another reading with Shereen, my mother popped up in it again — as a “shadow going through all my lifetimes”. It said I still give her much importance and my power away with it.
I felt so desperate that wanted to bang my head against the wall. After having done so much, apparently, I still had not claimed my freedom, and my subconscious was still playing out something I have not been aware of. The question now was — HOW do I make her insignificant and stop giving her power? In my conscious life, I don’t think much of this woman, I do not accuse her of anything, I do sympathize with her because her life is already a big punishment, I keep our contact to the minimum and keep safe distance. Why on Earth it does not correspond to the reality of my subconscious?!
Luckily, I have a friend who developed psychic abilities and could now channel information directly from spirit guides. So I asked her to channel on the subject, and received something interesting. It turned out I had given a vow to my mother that I am now afraid to break, and that I am full of resentment and rumination towards her. This was the confirmation of the big disparity between what I thought consciously and what my subconscious held within. The spirit guides suggested to “leave the past behind”, to meditate “to anchor myself in the present” and to stop this vicious circle of resentment and outrage keeping me in “hell”.
“Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned”
So the burning question “HOW?” emerged again. I knew affirmations and intentions were a good tool to revoke vows, and so I set a new intention and started repeating a short affirmation every now and then. But as always, I wanted more. So I returned to etsy.com and found an offer of reading on soul contracts and vows by another psychic.
Her response got me overwhelmed. It said I did make a vow to her “I will never leave you / We will always be together” and that the karmic contract/belief behind it was “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”, leading to an “intense desire for revenge/justice/payback/giving them a taste of their own medicine, unable to let things go”. In addition, there was a vow of suffering, “linked to a deep-seated past-life belief that you “deserve” to suffer and struggle”.
It took me a few days to come back to my senses after I read this. As always, such a revelation is relieving, but it feels like a tsunami. Suddenly, I was shocked by the heaviness and darkness of it all. I shared some thoughts with Jamie and she responded that it is all about finding your personal power and healing victimization — one of the deepest and most intense wounds to heal, usually for souls who “have been there, done that”. She gave me an affirmation/prayer to repeat during 21 days to clear all these unconscious burdens, which I did with all the diligence and dedication.
I will be very honest. At this point in my journey, I often feel worn out and sometimes unable to be positive. I feel like I have crossed deserts and have been through wars. I was getting up from my knees so many times and dragged myself forward, and I still do. I’m still not living up to my potential, and life is not like I wanted it to be. I just know that what I have done so far has meaningfully liberated my soul and taken it closer to the light. In this respect, I do feel more detached from my mother, less triggered, less enraged, and generally stronger and more independent. I am still working every day on creating the life I want because for some of us it takes decades to recover, stand up and share with the world the power that was hidden within.
I wish to continue this very honest and personal story with advice on healing in the Part II. In it all those who did not feel complete and restored after all the mainstream therapies on recovery from narcissistic abuse would find some new practical tools to use.
